How Precious

Dedication: for some beloved friends of mine and their precious son.

How precious is a moment.

When tiny infant is dying.

When you say goodbye.

Times when sleep avades you.

This is when we treasure most.

Our memmories...

We fully absorb each moment.

For while they don't last forever...

In recolection they last for a time.

Memmory is such a gift.

Perhaps that is why Dementia is so painful.

The gift is taken away.

But it is something shared stroungly by others.

When one forgets, another recalls.

All stand together, sharing these moments.

One that I will hold dear is that of little Daniel.

A little star that shined who's light is held and will not be forgoten.

This poem is for him and his parents and family.

May we not forget that he lived and was so loved.

Let us share in the preious memmory of little Daniel. 

The Call

I felt the call.

The call of faith

To accept and help

Those that do not fit

In a world reluctant to change

 

So sorry for not getting it

The way everyone else does

It is not consistently said

Editing who you are is painful.

 

I have been there.

Like too many have

It is not even or fair.

listen, ask, think, and act.

How can I make this better?  

Not a Duck!

Have you ever heard the saying 'If it looks like a duck, swims like, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck!'?

 

This popped into my head when I was thinking about disabilities that are not easy to recognise. The key word in this saying is 'like', if you look 'like' the average person you are more likely to have your needs overlooked, and have to ask for what you need, or worse not be believed after you have explained, or have to give evidence that you need supports. Advocacy and asking for things can be exhausting.

 

As someone with less recognisable differences, I know this to be true. Not everyone is the same. There are so many conditions that are not easy to see, but are there, nevertheless. It is sometimes nice not to have to explain and be seen as disabled (less bullying and discrimination when I graduated high school- no more 'trolly girl'). For we that don't always show symptoms we question 'do I need this? Am I disabled enough? Surely other people need this more...?' When I look in the mirror I see a young woman that 'looks like' a 'normal' person. It's taken me a long time to say, wait a sec... I'm not and that's okay. I am learning to see me as me and what I can do not what everyone else can do. 

 

I have some things that are different, that have made me strong, and unique and more interesting. I'm colourful. When I think about it so is each duck. We all have different shades, and we need to be able to let them shine, and feel safe enough to do so. Be honest with one another and letting each other see that all of us, including the murky colours. All of us have challenges and last year that became more obvious than ever. We are all of us multicoloured. Let's work together.

Life is more fun when we can all shine. 

A friend named Grief

Grief is different for everyone
Grief is shaped by why it has come
Grief is nesscessary to allow for healing.
Grief can hurt without limit.
Grief takes awhile to get used to.
Grief can be there as long as is needed.
Grief takes sometime to befriend.

Grief, I was avoiding, dreading your arrival.
But now I see you, standing before me.
You hurt me to repair me.
Like a dislocated limb being put back in place.
There is a sudden jolt of the bone, as it is put back in.
The people around me help me to go through the motions.

The dislocation will have always happened.
Yet with it, my strength has grown as love is shown.
At one time or another, we have all known you Grief.
So we are there for oneanother, through your visits.
If we did not experiance and learn to accept your presence...
We would not be full human beings.
Even Jesus wept. Fully God and fully man, he wept.

Together we can learn to say the words:
'Thanks for coming Grief. I know you better now.
Untill we meet again...'

Hold me

Hold me now, I am weary.
Hold me now, you are dear.
Hold me now, I'm not okay.

You listen, I cry.
Hold me now.
You understand, I relax.
Hold me now.
You accept, I settle.

Hold you now.
I see your long day.
Hold you now.
I sense your pain.
I hear your voice my love.

"Hold me now."
Say it out loud. 
"Hold me now."
Come to embrace.

"Hold me now."
I already am.
"Hold me now."
Here you are safe.

Your love is like Christ's.
You seek me when I am lost.
In my dark days you don't let go.
When I forget, you remember.

Thank-you Father God for the people,
that love me as you love.

Ghosts

I try to sleep but am haunted by ghosts.

They are made of memories.  

Becoming so clear in my mind that when I eventually sleep they continue to occupy me. 

To take up the space where they may orchestrate. 

What it plays on the back of my eyelids.

Sometime ago I had a dream where I was tired from a severe lack of sleep.

As a result, I went through my working day, getting everything wrong.

My initial thought was that surely this prediction would be fulfilled. 

It made sense.

However, after gaining some perspective,

I concluded that my brain was simply warning me.

Warning me to take care, be aware of my stress and fatigue, and its impact.   

A tool to use in my competition with this ghost- failure.

Once I looked at it in a new light it no longer scared me.

In fact, I thanked it for its warning. 

It's warning of a genuine danger. 

For not all dreams, recollections, and ghosts are helpful. 

But this one was. That is why I stopped to acknowledge it. 

After all, it did me a favour.  

Words of Faith

“My soul thrusts for you as a parched land thrusts for rain’ Palam 143:6

My soul was parched. My thought was dry. I was out of words. Deflated. Had lost confidence in my beloved God. I was afraid to speak in case, he was indeed, a tyrant.

Then came a sprinkling of hope… It occurred to me that I was not alone. “Others have experienced this before me”, I said to myself. Unlike me they were more objective and logical. Not overcome by emotion, but willing to grapple with the historical and science evidence. Challenging God on uncomfortably raw moral questions. After reading and listening to podcasts, Audiobooks, and talking openly to Atheists I made a discovery. It was this; the fact that intelligent people have done so for centuries. Beginning and continuing to read the book of Job and seeing his words. Words such as these:

“O earth do not conceal my blood. Let it cry out on my behalf. Even now my witness is in heaven. My advocate is there on high. My friends scorn me, but I pour out my tears to God.” Job 16:18-20 (NLT)

I’m glad that God gave us doubt. Without it I would not have questioned. If you want to truly understand someone you need to ask them questions. It demonstrates that you value that relationship. I want to better know my Father; therefore, I question. That I may see him more clearly, love him more dearly, and follow him more nearly, day by day (God Spell).

Not to do so would make us complacent. We would not then be restored. Nourished and reassured by his words each day. Comprehending and gratefully accepting Jesus’ death and resurrection.

I once saw engraved on a young women’s gravestone the words;

“I have redeemed thee, I have called the by thy name, thou art mine.”

Conveying to the Atheist: Injustice, imprisonment, despair, anger, scorn and scoffing.

Yet to the Christian…

These words mean hope, joy, and a deep sense of peace.

The question is…

What do these words mean to you?

Emotions

There are times when I’ve yearned for my emotions to simply cease.

But what would that look like? After contemplating the question, I resolved that if we eradicated all feelings… grief, loneliness, comfort, jealously, satisfaction, affection, joy, hatred, compassion, envy, anxiety, dispiar, anger, shame, joy…

Leaving them all behind would destroy our motivation, empathy and sense of purpose.

We need to feel. If we became entirely apathetic we could not feel for others. Never having experienced, and therefore not able to understand, where the other person is and how they are feeling.

It is deeply encouraging to me to know that Jesus knew how painful it can be to live in this world
- but he came regardless.

He came so that we might not endure the estrangement, but the adoption.

So that we may know the happiness amongst the grief. The colour against the black.

For what we did not earn he gave in abundance. He gave his grace. 

A treasure that will never spoil or fade.

Now when emotions make strong attempts to overwhelm me, I will recall him who triumphs.

I will put on the armour of God as I prepare for battle. As I march out surrounded by other Christians, I will remember that I do not struggle alone. With the support of my brothers and sisters, I am not alone. None of us are, God is with us…  Always.

Like Sheep 

“All we like sheep have gone astray. Each turning to his own way. But the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all” Isaiah 53:6

“You Lord are my shepherd, I will never be in need. You let me rest in fields of green grass. You lead me to streams of peaceful water and you refresh my life. You are true to your name, and you lead me along the right paths. I may walk through valleys as dark as death, but I will not be afraid. You are with me, and your shepherd’s rod makes me feel safe. You treat me to a feast, while my enemies watch. You honour me as your guest, and you fill my cup until it overflows. Your kindness and love will always be with me each day of my life, and I will live forever in your house, Lord.” Psalm 23

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep” John 10:11

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father- and I lay down my life for the sheep.” John 10:14-15

The Bible talks about Christians, (we that trust and know Jesus as our shepherd), to be like sheep. The world tends to think that we follow blindly, ignorantly, without a thought or a doubt. But this simply isn’t true.  We do doubt. Each time we wander and lose our way our shepherd seeks us out. He embraces with joy, bringing back to him, and placing our feet back upon the path.  

The world questions us as we travel, “Why do you want to return? How can you be certain that he is guiding you on the road you want to go? Why do you love and trust him? Is it all worth it?”

My answer is that he laid his life down for me. Everyday he demonstrates his love for me. He knows me inside and out… and yet still he cares for me. I trust him to always have my back. He knows the plans he has for me and he works for my good. He created me, knitting me together in my mother’s womb. He knows me, what behind me and what is to come. My shepherd promises to remain by me whatever challenges may confront me. 

“But how do you know this? Why do you just assume? Where is the evidence that God (if he even exists) will keep his promises? Is God as great as you believe he is? Isn’t the gospel too good to be true? The world contradicts. 

You see, I know that God keeps his promises. He has done so again and again. He promised that Jesus would come and redeem us, bringing us back to the God who invites us to call him “Abba Father”, just as he does.

The only thing that makes me special and privileged. The only way I can have this hope and assurance is this; that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. I don’t deserve it. I didn’t have to work for it. I only had to accept it.

Thankyou my Father in Heaven. May I never want to stop serving you, praising your name, being part of your family, your child, and your daughter.  

Time

Everything takes time.
Time to heal.
Time to mend.
Time to feel.

Everything takes time.
Time to process.
Time to appreciate.
Time to comprehend.

Everything takes time.
Time to develop.
Time to reflect.
Time to grow.

Without time we shatter.
Without time we fail to comprehend.
Without time are stunted.

Embrace time with gratitude.
For everyone needs time.

Old age and its meaning

Wrinkles, walkers, and problems.
Old age.
Empathy, fragmented thinking,and fagillity.
Old age.

Why does dementia often go with demented?
Why can't it fit in with concideration instead?

Cannot family mean freedom rather than
restritions and other over protection?

The elderly are not merely objects or
major tax drain. They have their own
tales and one day you will be one of
them. Because they are people after all.