Muscles

Muscles.

Butch

Strong 

Tough 

Fierce 

These aren't words that come to mind 

when hearing the words

'Cerebral Palsy'

At least not for the first time.

But they are for me.

In fact, I would use these to describe

others with CP and other physical disabilities.

My Papa's nickname for me as a kid was 'Muscles'.

When he died of smoking and alcohol induced problems

I thought that maybe that was some cruel joke.

But with refection... now I know better.

I think that he saw my inner strength.

Say my ability to fall off a horse and get back on.

To power through the challenges with my disability,

particularly in daily life and at school.

Papa watched me grow and get stronger every day.

Now I'm developing actual muscle through home workouts.

To do that I've had to dedicate time and energy and push through.

Proving wrong what a lot of people may thinking of me,

A women with mild Cerebral Palsy.

And that I can be proud of.

My Papa made a lot of mistakes.

My Mum thinks if he hadn't have dealt with his trauma 

using smoking and alcohol he may have been a better man.

I think there is a little of the strength of the 19-year-old who fled 

The war in Croatia  in the 60's in me.

Every time I encourage and see someone's confidence build.

Every time I vote despite the crowds and unfamiliar people

Every time I don't drink and appreciate my fiancée’s commitment 

to me and to not smoke anymore. 

Every time we are patient and talk to each other about what our lives have been

We look to the future now.

I think Papa may have offered my future husband a beer 

It was how he showed respect and acceptance of someone.

This is how I remember my Papa.

Little Things

Sometimes on the grey days and the black days,
we are prone to focus on the darkness.
But it is far better to look at the shoots and the stars.
Those little stars in the bleak blackness.

A call from a friend.
A walk with the dog.
A good book that makes you laugh.

All of these are can lift the weight off you.
Each little thing helps.
They don't have to be complex.

A hug rather than a worried look.
A small task completed for you.
A meal made for you.

Just little things, but they make life worth continuing.
Every little sensation.
A taste. A touch. A feel. A smell.

Thank You God for all the little things.
For even when there is darkness all around...
I will choose to fix my eyes upon the little things.
Starting with a breath and ending with a poem.

Ghosts

I try to sleep but am haunted by ghosts.

They are made of memories.  

Becoming so clear in my mind that when I eventually sleep they continue to occupy me. 

To take up the space where they may orchestrate. 

What it plays on the back of my eyelids.

Sometime ago I had a dream where I was tired from a severe lack of sleep.

As a result, I went through my working day, getting everything wrong.

My initial thought was that surely this prediction would be fulfilled. 

It made sense.

However, after gaining some perspective,

I concluded that my brain was simply warning me.

Warning me to take care, be aware of my stress and fatigue, and its impact.   

A tool to use in my competition with this ghost- failure.

Once I looked at it in a new light it no longer scared me.

In fact, I thanked it for its warning. 

It's warning of a genuine danger. 

For not all dreams, recollections, and ghosts are helpful. 

But this one was. That is why I stopped to acknowledge it. 

After all, it did me a favour.  

An Entreaty

Mark 9:23-25 Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going through the motions.

If the way I think and what I say and how I act is just a facade. 

Do I really believe that God sent his son to die and rise again, to save not only me, 

but everyone else too? 

I want to. But It's not easy. I question if I really do believe, or do I just want to believe?

I'm influenced by those around me to keep hold of what I refer to as my faith. 

Is it really my faith, or is it their faith projected onto me so I may perceive it to be mine? 

Are we just encouraging one another to believe in the world's biggest lie? 

Yet how can a lie go undetected? The gospel has spread like wildfire across the centuries. Surely it would have been totally disproved, and its followers disbanded by now if it were of man's invention.
But time and again academics who began as atheists, become not only Christians, but evangelists.
Fulfilling what Gamaliel the Pharisee said, when the gospel first began its spread:

"Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God." (Acts 5:38-39)

Those whom I care about I who care about me...

People whom I trust and value their options...

Most of these people are Christians...

But some have turned away, slowly giving up their faith.

It was no longer precious, but instead turned into something that they resented and rejected.

Dear God, I don't know what kind of person I would be without you living with me.

Directing my heart, soul and mind every day.

I am guided by you for give up the God who is just yet whose love surpasses all understanding.

Please my Heavenly Father, remind me every day where I stand.

Let me remain supported by Christ, the solid rock, and not give in and tread down upon the sinking sand. When you call me home, may I then in Him be found. 

Shared...

'It is not good for man to be alone'
Genesis 2:18

So many things are better when shared.
Shared, experienced and treasured by two. 

When you stand still in awe and wonder there is no one there to hear your exclamation.
When you stand together you share your thoughts, conjectures, and perceptions.

Trees need a Xylem and a Phloem to function.
To be healthy, to grow, and support one another as each day passes.
They are together as one.

Good relationships are like trees.

When two people are devoted to caring for one another.
When two people can share faith, values, goals, beliefs...
slowly becoming of the same heart, soul and mind.

Of course, due to the presentence of sin, this isn't always the case.
We let each other down sometimes, forget the needs of the other and want things done our way.
Yet with God's help and intervention repairing the damage is possible.
If only we are willing and humble enough, to ask for his guidance and his aid.

I pray that my relationship will grow to be like a tree one of these days...

Like Sheep 

“All we like sheep have gone astray. Each turning to his own way. But the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all” Isaiah 53:6

“You Lord are my shepherd, I will never be in need. You let me rest in fields of green grass. You lead me to streams of peaceful water and you refresh my life. You are true to your name, and you lead me along the right paths. I may walk through valleys as dark as death, but I will not be afraid. You are with me, and your shepherd’s rod makes me feel safe. You treat me to a feast, while my enemies watch. You honour me as your guest, and you fill my cup until it overflows. Your kindness and love will always be with me each day of my life, and I will live forever in your house, Lord.” Psalm 23

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for his sheep” John 10:11

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me- just as the Father knows me and I know the Father- and I lay down my life for the sheep.” John 10:14-15

The Bible talks about Christians, (we that trust and know Jesus as our shepherd), to be like sheep. The world tends to think that we follow blindly, ignorantly, without a thought or a doubt. But this simply isn’t true.  We do doubt. Each time we wander and lose our way our shepherd seeks us out. He embraces with joy, bringing back to him, and placing our feet back upon the path.  

The world questions us as we travel, “Why do you want to return? How can you be certain that he is guiding you on the road you want to go? Why do you love and trust him? Is it all worth it?”

My answer is that he laid his life down for me. Everyday he demonstrates his love for me. He knows me inside and out… and yet still he cares for me. I trust him to always have my back. He knows the plans he has for me and he works for my good. He created me, knitting me together in my mother’s womb. He knows me, what behind me and what is to come. My shepherd promises to remain by me whatever challenges may confront me. 

“But how do you know this? Why do you just assume? Where is the evidence that God (if he even exists) will keep his promises? Is God as great as you believe he is? Isn’t the gospel too good to be true? The world contradicts. 

You see, I know that God keeps his promises. He has done so again and again. He promised that Jesus would come and redeem us, bringing us back to the God who invites us to call him “Abba Father”, just as he does.

The only thing that makes me special and privileged. The only way I can have this hope and assurance is this; that while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. I don’t deserve it. I didn’t have to work for it. I only had to accept it.

Thankyou my Father in Heaven. May I never want to stop serving you, praising your name, being part of your family, your child, and your daughter.  

Together

Dedication: To everyone who has experienced mental illness, this is from me to you...

Darkness doesn't discriminate.
It can take anyone.
So what can we do?

We don't always recognise what is consuming us.
We don't always recognise the way we think is warped.

When we do...
A friend or family member expressing concern.
A colleague gently taking us to one side.
An outsider asking the question; are you okay?
You seem...

Just remember that no matter how fearful, ashamed,
lost, alone, confused, or angry you are.
You are not alone.

What you're going through is by no means uncommon.
Friend or family member.
Colleague or outsider.
We understand, because it takes one to know one.

No need to be ashamed.
Feel free to stretch out your hand.
We can show you the way.
After all, we've come this way before.
I've come this way before.

The Lord my God is the light to the path on which I tread.
He said "it is not good for man to be alone".
He said "it is finished".
He said "that whoever believes believes in me shall not die but have eternal life".

Jesus sent his disciples out in twos.
Jesus has given us the Holy Spirit.
Jesus has given us hope of  a day when her will wipe away every tear.

Faith in Jesus and his promises means hope and security and forgiveness.
It means knowing where we are headed as brothers and sisters in Christ.
The rod there is not always easy, but that is why we travel there together.

Memory

I can hurt
I can fade.
I can make you want to hide.

When you think over things said and unsaid.
When you think about what you have and have not done.
When you think on all things past and future.

I am memory.
I will not go away.
I am not entirely bad.

Some instances, you may recall,
are not just there to drive you up the wall.
Some make you smile and laugh and stand tall.

Although you may recoil and avoid
the recollections that you wish to forget and ignore.
Allow me to point to the times you have endured and had faith.

In all things faith and hope can be clung to.
In all circumstances you can be still and know that God is God.
In all things God works for the good of those who love him.

Rest and remember the merciful God who loves you regardless.
Rest and remember that through all your emotions he is with you.
Rest and remember that when you do not love yourself...

God always has and always will.

The Future

I used to dwell on  the past.

It was eating me up inside.

I was tired to the bone.

Then I turned to God.

To the God who loves me, cares for me and helps me grow. 

The Lord my God who has helped me time and time again, helped me to recover. 

Now I can look to the future without apprehension.

Now I pray that my Father will make me more and more the women that he wants me to be.

Now I am free to learn from my past, live in the present and look to the future. 

Matthew 6:26 and 27

"Look at the birds in the sky! They don't plant or harvest. 

They don't even store grain in barns. 

Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them.

 Aren't you worth much more than birds? 

Can worry make you live longer?"