Muscles

Muscles.

Butch

Strong 

Tough 

Fierce 

These aren't words that come to mind 

when hearing the words

'Cerebral Palsy'

At least not for the first time.

But they are for me.

In fact, I would use these to describe

others with CP and other physical disabilities.

My Papa's nickname for me as a kid was 'Muscles'.

When he died of smoking and alcohol induced problems

I thought that maybe that was some cruel joke.

But with refection... now I know better.

I think that he saw my inner strength.

Say my ability to fall off a horse and get back on.

To power through the challenges with my disability,

particularly in daily life and at school.

Papa watched me grow and get stronger every day.

Now I'm developing actual muscle through home workouts.

To do that I've had to dedicate time and energy and push through.

Proving wrong what a lot of people may thinking of me,

A women with mild Cerebral Palsy.

And that I can be proud of.

My Papa made a lot of mistakes.

My Mum thinks if he hadn't have dealt with his trauma 

using smoking and alcohol he may have been a better man.

I think there is a little of the strength of the 19-year-old who fled 

The war in Croatia  in the 60's in me.

Every time I encourage and see someone's confidence build.

Every time I vote despite the crowds and unfamiliar people

Every time I don't drink and appreciate my fiancée’s commitment 

to me and to not smoke anymore. 

Every time we are patient and talk to each other about what our lives have been

We look to the future now.

I think Papa may have offered my future husband a beer 

It was how he showed respect and acceptance of someone.

This is how I remember my Papa.

Men Cry Too

 Men cry too.

Men cry in darkness.

Men cry when eyes are elsewhere.

 

Men get angry.

Men get snappy.

Men get emotional.

 

Men are different.

Men are human.

Men are also in need of support.

 

Men can cry but hold back the tears.

Men can hold back until too late.

Men can be more likely to commit suicide.

 

Men if you shed a tear, we will be there to support you.

Men if you need a hand, we will give you one.

Men if you can admit you need it, we will admire your strength.

 

So, talk to each other, cry to one another.

So, learn to show and share your feelings.

So, accept that opening is hard but is worth it.

 

From Men to Women and in between there are differences.

Some cry and some are angry.

But Man to Women and in between…

 

All of us have emotions.

All of us should be able to share them without judgment.

All the ups and downs all year round.

 

Men cry as Women do.  

 

 

Not a Duck!

Have you ever heard the saying 'If it looks like a duck, swims like, and quacks like a duck, it's a duck!'?

 

This popped into my head when I was thinking about disabilities that are not easy to recognise. The key word in this saying is 'like', if you look 'like' the average person you are more likely to have your needs overlooked, and have to ask for what you need, or worse not be believed after you have explained, or have to give evidence that you need supports. Advocacy and asking for things can be exhausting.

 

As someone with less recognisable differences, I know this to be true. Not everyone is the same. There are so many conditions that are not easy to see, but are there, nevertheless. It is sometimes nice not to have to explain and be seen as disabled (less bullying and discrimination when I graduated high school- no more 'trolly girl'). For we that don't always show symptoms we question 'do I need this? Am I disabled enough? Surely other people need this more...?' When I look in the mirror I see a young woman that 'looks like' a 'normal' person. It's taken me a long time to say, wait a sec... I'm not and that's okay. I am learning to see me as me and what I can do not what everyone else can do. 

 

I have some things that are different, that have made me strong, and unique and more interesting. I'm colourful. When I think about it so is each duck. We all have different shades, and we need to be able to let them shine, and feel safe enough to do so. Be honest with one another and letting each other see that all of us, including the murky colours. All of us have challenges and last year that became more obvious than ever. We are all of us multicoloured. Let's work together.

Life is more fun when we can all shine. 

Endometriosis

This poem is written for endometriosis awareness month. As I know people dear to me and may have it myself, I thought I would help spread awareness.  I’d hate to think of more young women thinking “painful periods are normal; I can’t really complain”. If the pain stops you from going about your day, see a doctor, I hope you find a good and compassionate one. Have a read, this is for you.

Dear Endo,

You are a ?

You are a shadow.

You are a pain.

How do I figure you out?

How when no blood test exists...

How when there is family history, symptoms, but you don't show?

No show in ultrasounds.

No show for the debilitating pain and symptoms.

No show unless you have a laparoscopy.

What now? I record and store data

What now? I avoid feeding you blood (by not having periods).

What now? I take a plethora of medications to avoid you.

For there you might be.

For there you hurt and tease.

For there you are please stop.

Doctors please stop and listen.

Doctors from what you hear, please act.

Doctors pick up your skills and knowledge.

Get the word out, help us to fight Endometriosis.